Post Teaser

I started writing about the experiences I had to deal with as I was pregnant. Then I had to stop. It has been so long since I’ve thought about the pregnancies that I wanted to give the time they needed for me to process how I felt and still feel.

I have been pregnant four times. I’ve had two miscarriages and two live births, a beautiful girl and a wonderful boy. Life has been difficult at times, but it has also been very fulfilling.

Hopelessness, despair, and fear. As I started to write these stories down, I remembered other aspects. Some parts of the story that I had forgotten until I began to write them down.

Those stories will be forth coming, because I feel I do need to share them. Though certain people may need to read them, I doubt they will, but perhaps they can help someone reading my blog.

This one will be a shorty, but I wanted to post a teaser…

Confused because I was in so much pain. I had always heard how being pregnant was this wonderful thing. This pain I was feeling, was NOT wonderful. Aside from the pain, I really was happy. I told my boyfriend and we told my parents and we were all so happy. My mother had started looking at baby clothes. It was such a joyous time, they were going to finally be grandparents and I was going to a mother.

Unfortunately, it was a short lived happiness. A week later, I had a miscarriage. The feeling of losing a baby is unlike anything I can express. It was strange because I couldn’t really mourn. How do I? There was no body. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. It was almost like a sick joke. But, life being what it is, it went on.”

Whenever I think of my children, I think about a song that always reminds me of how I felt when I found out about them.

Creed – With Arms Wide Open

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don’t know if I’m ready
To be the man I have to be
I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we’ve created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything, oh yeah
With arms wide open, wide open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he’s not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I’ll show you everything, oh yeah
With arms wide open, wide open

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