Breathe

That is what I keep telling myself.

Breathe.

After a day where all she wants to do is sleep, but if I leave the room she almost panics… Breathe.

After she snaps at me, because she is upset when she can’t do thing like before… Breathe.

When she cries, because she feels like she is a burden on us… Breathe.

When she sleeps, and her breathing is ragged because it has attacked her lungs… Breathe.

When she is gone to one of her many doctor appointments, and I’m left alone to think of what she is going through… Breathe.

When my daughter crawls into bed with me at night crying, because she is afraid of losing her… Breathe.

Breathe.

When I’m overwhelmed by everything and everyone.

Breathe.

When the bills keep coming.

Breathe.

When the calls are always coming.

Breathe.

When the question is always the same.

Breathe.

When all I want to do is scream and pull out my hair…

Breathe.

When the fear of what life without her will be…

Breathe.

When life keeps moving as if nothing is wrong with her…

Breathe.

When I feel like my world is crashing down around me…

Breathe.

When I feel I can’t catch my breath…

Breathe…

Breathe…

BREATHE

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Crazy days…

“I know I’ve not posted in a long while, but I suppose it is time for an update.

 

On the quiceanera front, my niece’s event will be held in April. We have been truly blessed to have found a woman who will not only do all the decorating, but will also cater, serve, made a cake, found a reasonably priced DJ, and will also do clean up. So all the stress of a few months ago, was all taken away with just one simple phone call and it was done. I may use her for my daughter’s in a couple of years.

My sister’s wedding is going to be next year. Yay! I’m excited about it but sad at the same time. She won’t be around here as much as she is now. Of course, I have a year and a half to not think about it… Or to just think about it. I wonder which one will win out.

My children are growing like weeds and I am sure they will soon outgrow me. I am surprised at the wit my children have and also how quickly I am losing my own sanity at times when I am around them.”

 

Well, all that has happened and so much more…

Been busy again… dealing with life as some of you may have read already. Mom has cancer again. I’m not sure if I can deal with things again, but I know I will HAVE to. She is my mother and I love her so much. I’m not sure I ever believed anything bad could happen to her. She is mom. Ever present. Ever loving. Ever mom!

How can I help her when I am struggling?

Fifteenth

Today is a difficult day. Sadly, it is the anniversary of my grandfather’s going home. It has been seven years since I’ve last held his hand, heard his voice, or talked to him. I have been blessed to have hugged him in a dream.

It was amazing how I could give him a hug and smell his hair tonic. Thinking of it now, I can smell it again. As much as I miss him, I know he is waiting for me. Waiting for my mom, whom I afraid will be joining him soon.

Getting things together, I realized I am not doing a good a job as I can be. I’m ignoring important things and I know it’s bad, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything about it. The strength needed to care is just not there, or here, or anywhere.

I have people in my life, friends, that say they will be there for me. They have their own lives to lead, and I don’t expect them to be at my beck and call when I need them. Of course, I will not tell anyone straight out that I need them. Mentioning I have some bad days, and that I am okay is about as detailed as it gets for sharing. I’m not sure if those friends truly want to help or if they feel “obligated” to do so.

“Obligated” is a big word in our family. It is used in a very important way in the movie Jungle 2 Jungle, with Tim Allen. In life, there are obligations, but I do not want to be someone’s “obligation”.

There is a song I like to hear that makes me think of my grandfather and I know it will make me think mom once she is gone. I don’t want her to go home. I want her here. That sounded like a child.

The song…Dancing in the Sky by Dani and Lizzy

 

I know the lyrics are on the video… but I like to look at them as well…

Dancing in the Sky – Lyrics found on Lyrics Freak

[Verse 1]
Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
left
And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness

[Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived

[Verse 2]
Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
left
And here on earth everything different, there’s an emptiness.

[Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived
Since you’ve arrive

UGH!

There are times when all I want to do is SCREAM!!!

scream

I feel like I’m losing my mind… or like it’s never been there at all.

There is a song that tells what I am feeling right now…

Five Finger Death Punch – Never Enough

“Never Enough”
Lyrics AZ Lyrics

I’m so fed up with everyone around me
No one seems to care
I’m just so far gone and nothing’s gonna change
I’ll never be the same
It’s always do this, do that, everything they want to
I don’t wanna live that way (No!)
Every chance they get they’re always pushing me away

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

It’s all so messed up and no one ever listens
Everyone’s deranged
I’m just so fucked up and I’m never gonna change
I wanna lay it all to waste
They’re always say this, say that, nothing that you want to
I don’t wanna live that way (No!)
Every chance they get they’re always shoving me aside

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be
I’M DONE!

In the end we’re all just chalk lines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I’ve been given
I am what I am

I’d rather hate you for everything you are
Than ever love you for something you are not
I’d rather you hate me for everything I am
Than have you love me for something that I can’t

It’s never enough, it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter who I try to be
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter how I try to change
It’s never enough, never never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

 

Life Memories

lifememories

 

Life Memories

Sitting here thinking

Listening to various songs

Visions flash before me

Eyes

A smile

There is a vague scent in the air

Laughter can be heard off in the distance

Is it real or in my mind?

Memories continue

Some good

Some bad

Time drifts away

I think on those memories

Some I wish I didn’t have

Others I wish I could live again

They are all part of who I am

Memories are what happen while life is lived.

Cherish them, all of them.

They made me who I am

And I am indestructible.

© Dellajes Anilom 2017

How I Loathe Myself

howiloathemyself

 

How I Loathe Myself

The sound of the ping brightens my day

And how I hate that I smile thinking it’s you.

Only to see it isn’t.

There was some small witty banter

When we first started chatting

Now… silence.

The emptiness is almost immediate

Self-loathing is definite

Pain … inevitable.

Why do I do this to myself?

Why keep looking?

Love is not real.

The only real feelings in life

Is hate, pain, and sorrow.

Ping… is it you?

How I loathe myself.

© Dellajes Anilom 2017

No Time For Games

My heart is not a playground, go play somewhere else.

My heart is not a playground, go play somewhere else.

 

What do you do when you want to be loved? When the feeling of being lonely is too much to bear for yet another day. It is during this time when a person is no longer looking for the right person to come into their lives, but any person to come into their lives. This is called… desperation.

Desperation can lead to the worse relationships and some bad heartache. When you open yourself up to love, for some it is whole hearted. Of course, there those who playing with other’s emotions is what makes their day.

I am hurting today. Why, because I chose to think I was feeling something for someone who clearly was not serious about me. This game of peek-a-boo is just that… a game. I am no spring chicken; I am a grown woman and have no time for games of the heart. My heart has been hurt too many times in the past to deal with someone who just wants to play games.

Like the photo about says…

My heart is not a playground, go play somewhere else!!

~Neb