That is what I keep telling myself.


After a day where all she wants to do is sleep, but if I leave the room she almost panics… Breathe.

After she snaps at me, because she is upset when she can’t do thing like before… Breathe.

When she cries, because she feels like she is a burden on us… Breathe.

When she sleeps, and her breathing is ragged because it has attacked her lungs… Breathe.

When she is gone to one of her many doctor appointments, and I’m left alone to think of what she is going through… Breathe.

When my daughter crawls into bed with me at night crying, because she is afraid of losing her… Breathe.


When I’m overwhelmed by everything and everyone.


When the bills keep coming.


When the calls are always coming.


When the question is always the same.


When all I want to do is scream and pull out my hair…


When the fear of what life without her will be…


When life keeps moving as if nothing is wrong with her…


When I feel like my world is crashing down around me…


When I feel I can’t catch my breath…





Life… Too Real

Well, it certainly has been a long time since I’ve posted anything. So much has happened. I thought it had been longer than I thought, I believe my last post was September 2016. Not too bad, I suppose.

I know I had planned on writing about my niece’s quinceneara, but that has come and gone. And trust me, it was not at all what we expected. She looked beautiful and that what she wanted.

Next was my daughter’s quince, scheduled for March 18 of this year. If you are observant, you noticed I referred to it in a past tense. Yup, it has unfortunately been postponed… maybe cancelled completely. We don’t really now right now.

As I write this, I am torn between anger, fear, anguish, and a plethora of other emotions.



Cancer, has showed its ugly head in our lives once again. I have written about cancer before, HERE and I am here to share and talk and really… Just vent and rant about my emotions. Here is the only place I can.

It has come back in my mother’s body. This time… her brain. . . It has been some journey so far…


For a while, mom had been complaining of headaches. As is our custom, we attributed it allergies or blood pressure. Nothing was helping with the headaches. She would try take some Tylenol, or aspirin but nothing really helped. She would try to sleep it off, but again, with not much success. This had been going on for awhile until one day…

My sister had a doctors appointment to have a pregnancy check up. Mom went with her, dealing with her head pain on the 45 minute trip there, the appointment, and the 45 minute trip back. Once she got to my sister’s house, she had to rest. Once my father got there to pick her up, her head hurt so badly she was in tears. Telling my father that the pressure and pain behind her right eye felt as though it would burst out of her head.

He drives her to the ER, 45 miles away, and when he gets there and she gets off the truck, she almost collapses. Of course they took her in right away, and then it is hurry up and wait for test and their results. She has bleeding in the brain and needs surgery immediately!

What?!?!?! I remember crying when dad got off the phone with me. I remember trying to figure what to do. My kids were in school. My sister, who was due any day, and her husband were waiting to see what was going to happen. Waiting because they had to move her from the hospital she was at to one that could do the surgery. That was either San Antonio, and hour plus away from us, or Houston which is four hours plus away. Also, we didn’t know if dad would be allowed to travel with her wherever she was moved. Waiting was torture!

Finally we know the particulars, dad was able to go and someone had to pick up his truck. My chest hurts now as I remember those moments. Dad trying to be strong and holding in all his emotions. I hated him having to go through what he did all alone. My brother and his wife, took my daughter and I to seem them that evening. My son stayed at my aunt’s house while we found out what was going on.


She was in ICU when they brought her to the hospital in San Antonio. They performed more tests. We stayed late waiting to see what was going to happen. My poor brother was so sick. He had a bad cold or flu, not sure but he was very sick. In the ICU waiting room, there are no hours. So at around three in the morning, we finally try to find some place to sleep. Let me tell you, trying to find a place at that hours SUCKS! We wanted to be close, and ended up in the worst place! Hard to sleep, but some how we did and were up and out by seven am!!

Back at the hospital, it is more waiting. Talking to my sister on the phone off and on. She ends up going into labor! This really upsets mom and upsets my sister as well. They both want to be there for other. Life has a way of doing what it wants.

As I write this, it’s almost a blur. I know we come home and plan on staying, but an aunt says she will be going back to stay the night the night before her surgery and my children and I go along. The next morning was scary.

She was scheduled for seven and we figured we would be there with plenty of time since we spent the night so close. Plans have a way of changing or at least not going as planned. We got there just in time to rush to her room, kiss her, tell her we loved her, and see her wheeled off for surgery.

Brain Surgery.

I was so scared. My kids didn’t understand what was going on really, but knew the surgery was important. I remember looking around at my mother’s sisters and brothers, their spouses, their kids, and wondering… why? My daughter slept most of the time while my son played on his phone; both not knowing how serious the situation truly was.

My sister was unable to go because she had her baby the night before. A beautiful baby girl, MiCorazon! Mom was happy she did get to see a pic of her right after she was born! My father was lost in his own world of introversion. My kids were in their own worlds. I needed comfort or peace or someone to talk to me. My aunts talked and my cousins talked, but it seemed like a lot was within themselves. I guess it hard to know what to say to someone whose mother’s is have brain surgery. Trying to be civil was difficult at times, but I know my family was there for support.

When my brother and his wife arrived, I felt almost whole again. She helped me when I was on the edge and didn’t even know it completely until she got there. The doctor came out to talk to us, but dad was close to the door and so he talked to him. I heard very little of what was said, and before I knew it, they were on their way down the hall! Because I was in a wheelchair, I could not just whip around and follow. But my sister-in-law being the great woman she is, was trying to help me as fast as we could. It was almost hilarious if not for the need to move. It was like a skit from SNL, I was trying to unlock one side and her the other. I think as one point, we undid what the other had did. I was a good 10 seconds before we were mobile. I had a new respect and love for my sister-in-law after this period of time.



We are only allowed two people at a time. Most times we listened. She came out perfect! It wasn’t long before she was sitting in a chair, which shocked her doctors. I mean… BRAIN surgery!!! She was great until the pain killers wore off. Mom was doing great. We headed back home after and waited. Waiting is a hard thing to do, when all you want is answers. Life is like that. . . Making you wait.

Once home, we tried to get things ready for when she arrived. Rearranging things. Deep cleaning. Just doing and moving and going. That was until I fell. Find out she is coming home and I fell hard that morning. I wanted to cry, but my kids were almost freaking out.

Mom was home Sunday night. She went to the ER late Monday afternoon. It was just seven days, start to finish. Well, almost. It was hurry up and wait again for the results of the mass they removed from her brain, which was approximately the size of a baseball. Yup, a baseball. Can you imagine, a baseball in your brain and then having it removed?! Scary.

Waiting for the results was almost as hard as hearing the results.

Metastatic Renal Cell Carcinoma… Stage IV… no cure.


Renal Cell Carcinoma (RCC) is a common form of kidney cancer, which is what mom had six years ago. We were told they had got it all. Well, they didn’t. It is now in her brain, in her adrenal glands, and in her lungs.

She has finished her radiation treatment which scared the hell out of her. Why? Because in radiation they pin point the radiation to the cancer and you cannot move. Her’s was in the brain so she had to have her head encased and imprisoned so she would not move at all. That is a tall order for someone who is claustrophobic. But she did, and she isn’t afraid of tight spaces anymore.

ICU again.

Then a short time after radiation, she was bleeding in her brain again! Again, she is ICU! The doctors seem to believe she was over doing herself. Doing too much too soon. Mom is such an independent that getting her to realize her limits is hard.

She has another CT scan scheduled for next week and then she will begin Chemo. . . pills. She has already lost some hair from the radiation we believe. Her sight is bad. Her taste has caused her to dislike almost everything. Yet, she is able to walk. She has her memory, for the most part… she knows who we all are. She is functional.

We are very blessed. I pray for her everyday. Every night. I cry almost every day. At times it seems unreal about what all is happening. I believe I have faith that mom will be fine. That my children will have their grandmother for a long time, like I’ve had mine. My father’s mother pasted away when I was 30, and my mother’s mother is still kicking and being a lively soul.

But there is no question, my mother is going to die. Everything the doctors are doing are to help with pain and stunt the growth of the cancer.

My mother is dying. Everyday is one day closer. I typed those words and I think, so am I.

I could get hit by a car or have a heart attack or just slip and fall and hit my head. One never truly knows when they will pass on. I have my faith that has kept me sane during this. Our Pastor and his wife and our congregation have been amazing! Yet somehow, I keep thinking that I’m waiting. Waiting for the real anger to come out. For my anger at God will come out and I’ll start to scream at Him. Making deals with Him. Daring Him to keep her alive. To let her see her great-grandchildren.

What am I going to do when she goes? What is my father going to do? How will he act? How will my children deal with losing their only grandmother?

I keep trying to stay calm for my father and my children. At times I get down, but know I can’t do that. Mom has been feeling depressed and I have to be strong for her. Show her we can deal with whatever happens and whatever doesn’t happen.

Cancer sucks. No denying that. I keep telling myself she is her now and don’t think about the other stuff. Then I start to think, but I have to prepare for things.

She tells me the other day she wants to go the funeral home to make arrangements. Father was not happy about that, but it is something that has to be done, and I do want her to have what she wants.

Can I deal with planning a funeral for my mom? And do it with my mom? God please help me!

Wine helps. . . But that’s another post.

Sorry for the post, but I had to get out and if I stopped, I don’t know if I would have been able to start up again.

I leave you with this… tell your loved ones you love them, every day. Don’t let the last words you told someone be something out of anger. Always tell them you love them. ALWAYS! You have a fight with someone… a door is slammed… someone is walking way… stop. . . turn around and tell them… I LOVE YOU!!! You can keep walking away, or them, just know that the last words were… I LOVE YOU… can’t have I hate you… be the last thing if there is an accident and those WERE the last words.

Love one another.

Love family.

Love yourself.

Respect each other.

God above all.


Cherished Heart – Original Cherished BlogFest 2016 Post

As the title says, what follows was my original post for Cherished Blog Fest 2016. I will be posting it below. I hope you enjoy it, as much as I did writing it. It is much shorter than what I am use to writing, but I like the editing I had to do to keep it at such a length. .  . Enjoy.


One of my most cherished objects is my heart. It is amazing how it can continue to beat after all it has been through. I know everything I’ve gone through has turned me into the person I am now, but at times, I just want to stop thinking of the future me.

Libby, that’s what I call my heart, has struggled with love since I was a child. In school, I wasn’t the skinniest so I always felt huge. Later I would learn I wasn’t that big, but the wounds were already there. Wounds turn into scars.

Through the tortures of school, adolescence, and eventually adulthood, Libby has continued to beat. Yes, there have been long nights of crying, when that one boy, then that guy, and finally the man didn’t love me as I loved them. With each tear that fell, with each breath that was taken, with each new dawn, Libby continued to beat.

There wasn’t always sadness, there have been joys. The most joyous were the births of my daughter and a son. Each time it felt as if Libby would burst out and wrap herself around those two wonderful beings. Each smile, laugh, look, and touch made Libby grow and grow.

Today Libby still grows when she sees those darlings sleeping. Yes sleeping, because when awake, they are fighting; fighting with each other, with me, or just with themselves. I know they love each other and me, because they show me in their own way. This is when Libby feels like everything is going to be just fine.

Libby had a hard time when her son was just four years old. He was diagnosed with a condition. A condition I knew nothing about. He had a MRI just before Christmas. The doctor said he would call us but he didn’t. The offices were closed over the holidays and it was the worse Christmas Libby has ever had to endure. EVER. Not knowing what was causing a vibrant, young boy to not want to play outside, but instead lie on the couch and not move. He would cry his head hurt so much. I cried for him. I cried with him. I cried at night when everyone else was asleep. I prayed for an answer.

The call to go into the doctor’s office came in a couple of days after Christmas. It wasn’t even the doctor who spoke to us; it was his nurse practitioner; and the diagnoses Arnold Chiari Malformation Type 2.

What was that?

Libby cracked. Libby bled. Libby cried. Libby screamed!

I on the other hand, shed a tear and was trying to be calm for my son.

Libby did not break. Libby still beats. Libby lives.

My son is doing wonderful. Turned out he didn’t have Type 2, but Type 1, it’s a bit of a difference. Chiari, ACM, whatever you call it, is worth looking into. My son lives with it every day, but he is still here, smiling, laughing.

Libby, too!

Life – Pain and Joy and Fear

Pill 4:13

Pill 4:13

Life moves at various paces at different times.

I can remember certain events in my life that seemed to take forever. Felt as if time stood still. The feeling of hopelessness and despair were so alive in those times, I was sure I just wanted to close my eyes, slip into unconsciousness, and never wake up. It was those times, many as a child, a few during my early adult years, and seldom these days; that fear controlled me.


It was always and is still always fear that brings the long, never-ending hours into my life. There were horrors in my life as a child, that no child should ever endure, though I know I’m not the only who has nor will I be the last.

In my early adult life, the horrors changed. It was not my life I feared for, but that of my child, and later on, my children. Before I had my first child, a daughter, I had two miscarriages.

Pregnancy. For me, it was a time of constant pain. From the time of conception, I was in pain, feeling my insides getting stretched and pulled. The pain so intense, I would double over unable to move. The first time I felt this, I was scared. I had been feeling strange for a couple of days, and for some reason, I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Imagine my shock when it was positive. I was so happy and scared and confused.

Confused because I was in so much pain. I had always heard how being pregnant was this wonderful thing. This pain I was feeling, was NOT wonderful. Aside from the pain, I really was happy. I told my boyfriend and we told my parents and we were all so happy. My mother had started looking at baby clothes. It was such a joyous time, they were going to finally be grandparents and I was going to a mother.

Unfortunately, it was a short lived happiness. A week later, I had a miscarriage. The feeling of losing a baby is unlike anything I can express. It was strange because I couldn’t really mourn. How do I? There was no body. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. It was almost like a sick joke. But, life being what it is, it went on.

A couple of months go by and I have those same pains again. I remember walking into my aunt’s apartment and reaching the door when the pain was so intense, I had to hold on to the door frame. I knew, right then and there, I was pregnant.


My first response was just fear. I took a test in the morning, and sure enough, it was positive. That afternoon, I told my boyfriend. That evening… It started again. I was bleeding. Memories of sitting in the waiting room in pain are still vivid. Waiting for them to call me into the examination room, and then I told him to call my folks.

That pain.

The pain was unlike anything I had felt before. I had to pee so I went into the restroom and had a feeling like a large blood clot (women, you know what I mean). When I looked in the toilet, there was a clot but something more. Once the doctor came in, I told her of the incident in the restroom. The look on her face said it all.

Tears began to stream down my face. Lying on the examination table, in pain with my mother at my side, time stood still. The doctor was talking, my mother was talking, and all I could hear was the sounds the teachers made in the Peanuts cartoons. Vaguely I heard the doctor say, I was going to be admitted and have a D&C performed.

Waking up from the procedure, I remember seeing my boyfriend sitting in a chair next to the bed. He hadn’t gone home. His clothes were rumpled and his face was filled with worry. Knowing the night was going to be a long one for him, I told him to go home and come back in the morning. He refused. It was so touching, I just cried some more.

Falling asleep, I had no idea this would be the turning point in our relationship. The loss of not only one unborn child, but two, was too much. Life became too much for me. What was it all for if just to have such unbearable pain, and have no child to show for it?


Life was worthless. I would spend any time I had alone thinking of how I didn’t want to be alive. Thoughts of how to end my life began to formulate in my mind. My mother knew what I felt. She was smart enough to know that I could not be left alone for any long periods. She called a friend of mine to come spend the day with me; a friend that was and is unlike any other. She was working when my mother called her, but she rushed to my side anyway. She arrived with here then “friend” now husband, and spent the entire day with me, making me laugh and reminding me of what life was like. Life was about pain and suffering, and loving and caring, and about living; living after that pain and suffering, and looking forward again to the loving and caring. I owe her and my mother my life.

My boyfriend and I didn’t stay together long after that. He changed. I suppose I did too, but he turned to drinking and was not a good drunk. He actually moved to another state, where we tried to keep a long distance relationship going, but we both knew it was for the best. I ended up dating a friend I had known for a few years.

Life is funny. My friend was always waiting, but once he and I got together, he changed too. I’m a sucker for someone to treat me like garbage. (But that story is for another blog.) We had started talking of marriage when I found out I was pregnant.


Pregnant. Again. The fear of another miscarriage came rushing back to me with a force like I had never known. This time, I wasn’t taking any chances. I made a doctor’s appointment the next day. And let me tell you, that visit changed my life.

Nerves were wearing me thin, but I made it to the doctor’s appointment. After all the paper work, he called me into his office to have a face to face talk. It was nice to meet him in that atmosphere, instead of him between my legs first. Being a girl sucks a lot of the time, and that is one of the reasons. Once he learned of my two previous miscarriages, he ran some test and scheduled a vaginal ultrasound. Not fun. He ordered some prenatal vitamins and for me to take one baby aspirin a day.

It was that one baby aspirin a day that actually changed my life. Taking that aspirin thinned my blood, and apparently my blood clotting was what was causing me to have the miscarriages. The way it was explained to me, I was starving my baby. I was sad to hear that my body had actually done that, but so excited to know that I could carry a baby to full term!

Of course, I was stilled scared. I wouldn’t allow anyone to buy anything for the baby, because of bad luck. My body was doing such crazy things. I couldn’t keep anything down, and instead of gaining weight I lost over 30 lbs. I was very scared I was still going to loss this baby. Needless to say, at six months, which was Christmas, everyone went crazy. Every single gift was for the baby. We didn’t know the baby’s gender yet, but we were hoping for a girl.

Then in the first weeks of March, a horrible cold/flu virus hit the town. Everyone we know sick. My mother’s boss had planned a baby shower for me, and because of the virus, no one was able to attend. The weather had been hazy and misty and cold. Personally, I like that weather, but when you are pregnant and people are sick, I should have been home. Needless to say, I got sick and couldn’t eat anything.

With a high fever of 102 I believe, her heart rate going down, the doctors made the decision… She needed to come out and now!

The delivery was insane, and the aftermath as well, but again, it’s a long story I will share soon. Let’s just say, there was much pain and suffering. So much pain.

So much… So much… So much to do.

In the next few months, we will be quite busy here in the family.

We have a wedding in the middle of August, which just begun planning two weeks ago.


April 2015, will be the my niece’s Quineanera, of which she refuses to plan and make decisions on anything.

15 crown

My sister will be going off and getting married, probably next year some time. Which we will have to plan also.

September the kids go back to school, and my son will be celebrating a birthday.

red apple


October is Halloween, hmm… That should be pretty tame.


November is Thanksgiving.


December is Christmas.

January has New Years… Ugh… Most likely dateless. Okay, that will most likely be a good thing. 🙂

new year

February… Oh yes… Valentine’s Day. Yay (can you sense the sarcasm?)

March is my daughter’s birthday.

April is the niece’s Quinceanera.

15 crown

May is MY birthday… BIG IMPORTANT DAY. 😉


June my D will be graduating from high school and the kids will be out for summer.


July… Full on SUMMER and we have come full circle.


This song by Alabama pretty much sums it all!!!

I’m in a Hurry – in my case… I KNOW why. 🙂  Enjoy the song.

“I’m In A Hurry (And Don’t Know Why)” 
Lyrics provided by AZ Lyrics

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

Don’t know why
I have to drive so fast
My car has nothing to prove
It’s not new
But it’ll do 0 to 60 in 5.2.

Oh I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

Can’t be late
I leave plenty of time
Shaking hands with the clock
I can’t stop
I’m on a roll and I’m ready to rock.

Oh I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

I hear a voice
That say’s I’m running behind
I better pick up my pace
It’s a race
And there ain’t no room
For someone in second place.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why…


Just as the title states… CANCER SUCKS!!

I am sure everyone knows or has known someone surviving cancer or who has passed on from cancer.

I have lost my grandfather. My grandmother has lost her left breast. My aunt lost her life as well to cancer. My mother had kidney cancer but by the Grace of God, has survived through it.

Through it.

I have loved them all through it. And just now I find out that I have an uncle who will be dying from cancer. Stage 4. No operation. Nothing can be done.

His wife and children will love him through it, just as we will all be here for him through it.

I’m Gonna Love You Through It  is a song by Martina McBride. I hope you love those around you NOW. Hug them. Kiss them. TELL them you love them. You never know when tomorrow will not be there.


“I’m Gonna Love You Through It”
AZ Lyrics

She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Cancer don’t discriminate or care if you’re just 38
With three kids who need you in their lives
He said, “I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you”When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it’s forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore”
He took her in his arms and said “That’s what my love is for”

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I’ll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

Family Sunday

Days like today put a huge smile on my face. Sundays are family days. It can be just eating out for lunch, or watching a movie with the folks.

Today was a great day. It was family BBQ day.

The fire and smoke smelled great.

My old BBQ pit, if you can believe it, I actually put this thing together with a butter knife, a few years ago! LOL

My old BBQ pit, if you can believe it, I actually put this thing together with a butter knife, a few years ago! LOL

We had beef fajitas, chicken fajitas, baby back ribs, short ribs, stuffed mushrooms, stuffed jalapeños, sausage, and grilled zucchini.

Mmmmm Zucchini and squash on the grill.

Zucchini and squash on the grill.

Beef fajitas, stuffed mushrooms and sausage.

Beef fajitas, stuffed mushrooms and sausage.

My grandmother was here enjoying the afternoon. It has been a long time since she has been out here. It was nice listening to her talk telling old stories.

The kids were running around playing with bubbles (ah Bubbles) and shooting play guns. Bubbles are so pretty and the kids enjoyed chasing them. At one point, they were trying to see who could blow the biggest bubble.

Family is important and days like this remind me of that fact.

~ Loving my family ~ DA