For Momma

Just because this was one of her favorites songs.

Are You Washed in the Blood/I’ll Fly Away – Alan Jackson

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Fifteenth

Today is a difficult day. Sadly, it is the anniversary of my grandfather’s going home. It has been seven years since I’ve last held his hand, heard his voice, or talked to him. I have been blessed to have hugged him in a dream.

It was amazing how I could give him a hug and smell his hair tonic. Thinking of it now, I can smell it again. As much as I miss him, I know he is waiting for me. Waiting for my mom, whom I afraid will be joining him soon.

Getting things together, I realized I am not doing a good a job as I can be. I’m ignoring important things and I know it’s bad, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything about it. The strength needed to care is just not there, or here, or anywhere.

I have people in my life, friends, that say they will be there for me. They have their own lives to lead, and I don’t expect them to be at my beck and call when I need them. Of course, I will not tell anyone straight out that I need them. Mentioning I have some bad days, and that I am okay is about as detailed as it gets for sharing. I’m not sure if those friends truly want to help or if they feel “obligated” to do so.

“Obligated” is a big word in our family. It is used in a very important way in the movie Jungle 2 Jungle, with Tim Allen. In life, there are obligations, but I do not want to be someone’s “obligation”.

There is a song I like to hear that makes me think of my grandfather and I know it will make me think mom once she is gone. I don’t want her to go home. I want her here. That sounded like a child.

The song…Dancing in the Sky by Dani and Lizzy

 

I know the lyrics are on the video… but I like to look at them as well…

Dancing in the Sky – Lyrics found on Lyrics Freak

[Verse 1]
Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
left
And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness

[Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived

[Verse 2]
Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
left
And here on earth everything different, there’s an emptiness.

[Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived
Since you’ve arrive

UGH!

There are times when all I want to do is SCREAM!!!

scream

I feel like I’m losing my mind… or like it’s never been there at all.

There is a song that tells what I am feeling right now…

Five Finger Death Punch – Never Enough

“Never Enough”
Lyrics AZ Lyrics

I’m so fed up with everyone around me
No one seems to care
I’m just so far gone and nothing’s gonna change
I’ll never be the same
It’s always do this, do that, everything they want to
I don’t wanna live that way (No!)
Every chance they get they’re always pushing me away

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

It’s all so messed up and no one ever listens
Everyone’s deranged
I’m just so fucked up and I’m never gonna change
I wanna lay it all to waste
They’re always say this, say that, nothing that you want to
I don’t wanna live that way (No!)
Every chance they get they’re always shoving me aside

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be
I’M DONE!

In the end we’re all just chalk lines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I’ve been given
I am what I am

I’d rather hate you for everything you are
Than ever love you for something you are not
I’d rather you hate me for everything I am
Than have you love me for something that I can’t

It’s never enough, it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter who I try to be
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter how I try to change
It’s never enough, never never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

 

Dad…

With mom going through what she is going  through, I have been asked on several occasions of how my dad is holding up. It is difficult to answer. Why? Because dad keeps everything inside. At least around me he does. I pray he talks to someone, but I don’t know if he does.

I was searching songs tonight for my blog. I’m just in a mood for it I suppose. When I came across this song by Joey+Rory, When I’m Gone. I immediately knew it was a song about her passing soon. I don’t know if my dad will ever hear the song, but maybe one day he will. If not, perhaps I will play it for him.

Here is the song… and I hope you are as touched as I was.

 

 

When I’m Gone – Joey+Rory   lyrics  AZ lyrics

A bright sunrise will contradict the heavy fault that weighs you down
In spite of all the funeral songs the birds will make their joyful sounds
You wonder why the earth still moves, you wonder how you’ll carry on
But you’ll be okay on that first day when I’m gone

Dusk will come with fireflies and whippoorwill and crickets call
And every star will take its place and silvery gown and purple shawl
You’ll lie down in our big bed, dread the dark and dread the dawn
But you’ll be alright on that first night when I’m gone

You will reach for me in vain
You’ll be whispering my name
As if sorrow were your friend
And this world so alien

But life will call with daffodils and morning glorious blue skies
You’ll think of me some memory and softly smile to your surprise
And even though you love me still you will know where you belong
Just give it time we’ll both be fine when I’m gone

Just because…

He said this was our song… but was it?

When I Said I DO – Clint Black and Lisa Hartman Black

 

When I Said I Do – Clint Black    lyrics from MetroLyrics

These times are troubled and these times are good
And they’re always gonna be, they rise and they fall
We take ’em all the way that we should
Together you and me forsaking them all
Deep in the night and by the light of day
It always looks the same, true love always does
And here by your side, or a million miles away
Nothin’s ever gonna change the way that I feel,
The way it is, is the way that it was

When I said I do, I meant that I will ’til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That’s what I had in mind when I said I do

Well this old world keeps changin’, and the world stays the same
For all who came before, and it goes hand and hand
Only you and I can undo all that we became
That makes us so much more, than a woman and a man
And after everything that comes and goes around
Has only passed us by, here alone in our dreams
I know there’s a lonely heart in every lost and found
But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means

When I said I do, I meant that I will ’til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That’s what I had in mind when I said I do

Read more: Clint Black – When I Said I Do Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Writing

As I write for the Cherished BlogFest 2016 #CBF16, I find I am writing more and more. I’ve had to step away from the first project, because it has taken on a life of its own. It has gone beyond the 500 allotted words and I’m not even half way through it.

SIGH

So now, I’ve got started on another one. This one has potential to be a lengthy one too, but I’m going to try and reign it in. It seems my writing wants to tell longer stories, and as a writer, I’m bound to let it flow.

Listening to music helps me with my writing process, and right now I’m listening to a song that remembers me of a certain someone. I pray doing well, and loving life as I am trying to do myself.

“Candy” lyrics provided by AZlyrics

It’s a rainy afternoon
In 1990
The big city geez it’s been 20 years-
Candy-you were so fine

Beautiful beautiful
Girl from the north
You burned my heart
With a flickering torch
I had a dream that no one else could see
You gave me love for free

candy, candy , Candy I can’t let you go
All my life you’re haunting me
I loved you so

Candy, candy , Candy I can’t let you go
Life is crazy
Candy baby

Yeah, well it hurt me real bad when you left
I’m glad you got out
But I miss you
I’ve had a hole in my heart
For so long
I’ve learned to fake it and
Just smile along

Down on the street
Those men are all the same
I need a love
Not games
Not games

Candy, Candy, Candy I can’t let you go
All my life you’re haunting me
I loved you so
Candy, Candy , Candy I can’t let you go
Life is crazy
I Know baby
Candy baby

UOU UOU UOU
Candy, Candy, Candy I can’t let you go
All my life you’re haunting me
I loved you so

CANDY CANDY CANDY
life is crazy
candy baby

candy baby,
candy, candy

Post Teaser

I started writing about the experiences I had to deal with as I was pregnant. Then I had to stop. It has been so long since I’ve thought about the pregnancies that I wanted to give the time they needed for me to process how I felt and still feel.

I have been pregnant four times. I’ve had two miscarriages and two live births, a beautiful girl and a wonderful boy. Life has been difficult at times, but it has also been very fulfilling.

Hopelessness, despair, and fear. As I started to write these stories down, I remembered other aspects. Some parts of the story that I had forgotten until I began to write them down.

Those stories will be forth coming, because I feel I do need to share them. Though certain people may need to read them, I doubt they will, but perhaps they can help someone reading my blog.

This one will be a shorty, but I wanted to post a teaser…

Confused because I was in so much pain. I had always heard how being pregnant was this wonderful thing. This pain I was feeling, was NOT wonderful. Aside from the pain, I really was happy. I told my boyfriend and we told my parents and we were all so happy. My mother had started looking at baby clothes. It was such a joyous time, they were going to finally be grandparents and I was going to a mother.

Unfortunately, it was a short lived happiness. A week later, I had a miscarriage. The feeling of losing a baby is unlike anything I can express. It was strange because I couldn’t really mourn. How do I? There was no body. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. It was almost like a sick joke. But, life being what it is, it went on.”

Whenever I think of my children, I think about a song that always reminds me of how I felt when I found out about them.

Creed – With Arms Wide Open

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don’t know if I’m ready
To be the man I have to be
I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we’ve created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything, oh yeah
With arms wide open, wide open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he’s not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I’ll show you everything, oh yeah
With arms wide open, wide open