Cherished Heart – Original Cherished BlogFest 2016 Post

As the title says, what follows was my original post for Cherished Blog Fest 2016. I will be posting it below. I hope you enjoy it, as much as I did writing it. It is much shorter than what I am use to writing, but I like the editing I had to do to keep it at such a length. .  . Enjoy.

 

One of my most cherished objects is my heart. It is amazing how it can continue to beat after all it has been through. I know everything I’ve gone through has turned me into the person I am now, but at times, I just want to stop thinking of the future me.

Libby, that’s what I call my heart, has struggled with love since I was a child. In school, I wasn’t the skinniest so I always felt huge. Later I would learn I wasn’t that big, but the wounds were already there. Wounds turn into scars.

Through the tortures of school, adolescence, and eventually adulthood, Libby has continued to beat. Yes, there have been long nights of crying, when that one boy, then that guy, and finally the man didn’t love me as I loved them. With each tear that fell, with each breath that was taken, with each new dawn, Libby continued to beat.

There wasn’t always sadness, there have been joys. The most joyous were the births of my daughter and a son. Each time it felt as if Libby would burst out and wrap herself around those two wonderful beings. Each smile, laugh, look, and touch made Libby grow and grow.

Today Libby still grows when she sees those darlings sleeping. Yes sleeping, because when awake, they are fighting; fighting with each other, with me, or just with themselves. I know they love each other and me, because they show me in their own way. This is when Libby feels like everything is going to be just fine.

Libby had a hard time when her son was just four years old. He was diagnosed with a condition. A condition I knew nothing about. He had a MRI just before Christmas. The doctor said he would call us but he didn’t. The offices were closed over the holidays and it was the worse Christmas Libby has ever had to endure. EVER. Not knowing what was causing a vibrant, young boy to not want to play outside, but instead lie on the couch and not move. He would cry his head hurt so much. I cried for him. I cried with him. I cried at night when everyone else was asleep. I prayed for an answer.

The call to go into the doctor’s office came in a couple of days after Christmas. It wasn’t even the doctor who spoke to us; it was his nurse practitioner; and the diagnoses Arnold Chiari Malformation Type 2.

What was that?

Libby cracked. Libby bled. Libby cried. Libby screamed!

I on the other hand, shed a tear and was trying to be calm for my son.

Libby did not break. Libby still beats. Libby lives.

My son is doing wonderful. Turned out he didn’t have Type 2, but Type 1, it’s a bit of a difference. Chiari, ACM, whatever you call it, is worth looking into. My son lives with it every day, but he is still here, smiling, laughing.

Libby, too!

Sky Bound

SkyBound

Sky Bound

Taking a deep breath, she looked out her window only to see the sun shining brightly through the few scattered white puffy clouds. It had been three days. Three days since she last heard his voice. No wait. It had been seven days. Seven days since she last heard his voice. It had been three days since she heard anything from him. His last communication with her was by text message… Yeah! A single word that brought an end to their friendship. A friendship that she knew she no longer desired. For she had fallen madly in love with him, but he didn’t seem to care that she did.

Her eyes closed to the bitter memories of his singing to her. Of hearing the love and devotion in the voice that would make her cry because it was the most beautiful voice she had ever heard. Sucking in her lips and biting them, she opened her eyes and took another breath. And another. And still another. She was still breathing. She did not die because of his rejection. Even though her heart ached now, she knew, from way too much experience that this pain and emptiness would pass.

Love and devotion. What did he know of love and devotion? He promised to be honest and upfront with her. He was nothing but a coward when it came to telling her he has chosen another! Why do men behave in such a foul manner? Why couldn’t he just man up and say, “Hey, I’m in love with someone else.” Yeah, of course it would hurt, but she would rather have something than NOTHING! Not a call. Not even a text message. Humph, more like an old used up tissue paper to be tossed away after it’s served its purpose.

Sigh.

Looking back at the clouds, she couldn’t help but smile. What a fitting day for realizing what has always been true… “I am the Rebound Girl,” she stated out loud. Thinking again to herself, she was counting how many men she has helped get over their own personal issues only to have them move on to bigger and better things. Shaking her head, she almost lost it. This would make number five.

Five times.

She could hardly believe it. Five times she has helped a man become a better person only to lose him to another woman. She wondered if she would ever be the other woman. Would a man from her past come running back realizing his errors and wanting to make her his own? She couldn’t think of one that would. But deep down, she knew who she would like to come back, but she would not admit that to herself.

Not now.

Not after this recent heartache. Right now, all she wanted to do was crawl in a dark hole and cry. Unfortunately she didn’t have that luxury. She had to live her life for she had a child to look after. Her heart would just have to wait until tonight, when her daughter was asleep, and it is then, in those dark unseeing hours where she will cry for the loss of her music man. She will mourn what they could have had, what might have been, and what never will be. It will last all night long, and when morning comes, she will put on her smile and never cry for him again.

In the weeks that pasted, she threw herself into her work; working during the day as cashier at a local book store, and by night, taking online college courses in business administration. She lived life, focused on raising her daughter, and working for a better future. It was like any other day, or so she thought. After dropping off her daughter at school, she drove to the coffee shop to pick up her coffee, and then head to the book store. Iggy Pop’s Candy began to play from her cell phone. She almost spilled her coffee on herself; because that is a ringtone she had not expected to ever hear again. She wasn’t even sure why she never deleted the number or changed the ringtone for him, but there it was.

The lyrics coming from her phone she was frozen to the spot. Hearing a honking, she realized she was stopped at a red light, which was now green. Shaking her head, she started down the road again to hear the pinging of a voicemail. Her thoughts were running rapidly through her mind, why was he calling now? It had been so long. How long had it been? Three years? Or was it more like four? Can I listen to his voice without crying? Why was he calling? Candy began to play on her cell phone again. He was calling her back? He was being a bit persistent wasn’t he? What if something is wrong? Even if something was, why would he be calling her? Or what if he’s… No, he can’t be. She wouldn’t even think of it. If he was calling, he couldn’t be. What if, she began again, and then chided herself for the coward she was being.

Taking a deep breath, and with a shaky voice answered, “Hello.”.

“Hey you,” she heard an all too familiar voice on the other end, and also knew he was smiling. She could almost see his eyes sparkling the way they do when he smiles.

Misty eyed, she couldn’t help but smile, “hey you.” It was their way. Immediately she was taken back to a time when she didn’t know her music man, or any other man who made her his ‘Rebound Girl’ she was Marc’s girl. Smiling, she continued, “Sky’s blue,” as was their customary second line, regardless of the weather conditions.

“Sky’s blue,” he chuckled. “You remembered.”

“How could I forget?”

“Well, I know it’s just that…,” he went quiet. Not sure of what to say or how to say it. He knew he was wrong and knew that he should tell her.

“It’s ok, Marc, you don’t have…,” she wasn’t able to finish.

“That’s just it. I do have to. I have to apologize for being a jerk. For not telling you what it was that I was feeling, what was making me crazy, what in the end…,” he stopped. She didn’t know if she should say something or not, so she chose not to. There was a long silence, but for them long silences were never a problem. They were never awkward; they were just quiet moments between the two of them. Leaning her head back against the head rest of the car seat, she began to remember him.

Marc.

Sigh.

He was perfect. Tall, dark, handsome, and had a job, but those were just material and physical traits. He made her feel special. The way he would look at her sometimes, she knew only he would ever look at her that way. She remembered how his hand felt in her hand. How it felt the first time he touched her face, to remove an eyelash, and she remembered the feeling it gave her.

Sigh.

He was the one that got away. He was the first to make her feel as though she would not be more than a ‘rebound’ for any man. If he couldn’t make a life with her, how could anyone else?

“In the end,” he continued and brought her out of her thoughts. “I was afraid.”

“Why? You know how I felt about you,” she loved him then. No, she still loved him. After all this time, years, pain, heartache, she still loved this man.

“I was afraid you didn’t care about me how I did for you,” he softly whispered. “I know I said I didn’t want more, but every day we spoke, every time I was with you, every time I looked into your eyes, I fell more and more…,” he paused.

“You fell?” she asked. She was lost; her mind reeling in on the thoughts of her fears of him not loving her, of her feelings never becoming reciprocated and of having to live life seeing him love another, or as the case was, not being in his life at all.

“Yes, Sky, I fell more and more in love with you,” he finally finished. He stopped talking, apparently waiting for some sort of response.

She had no idea what to say, but she knew she loved him. “I love you,” she stated.

“Can I see you?”

“When?”

“Now?”

“Now?” she questioned and as she did, there was a tap on her window. There he stood holding a cell to his ear, and a smile on his face. Perhaps, even a tear in his eye.

“I couldn’t wait any longer, regardless of what you said, I had to see you. My Sky. My blue Sky.”

She opened the door, reached up to kiss him and whispered, “I’ve always been yours.”

©2012 Dellajes Anilom