Life Memories

lifememories

 

Life Memories

Sitting here thinking

Listening to various songs

Visions flash before me

Eyes

A smile

There is a vague scent in the air

Laughter can be heard off in the distance

Is it real or in my mind?

Memories continue

Some good

Some bad

Time drifts away

I think on those memories

Some I wish I didn’t have

Others I wish I could live again

They are all part of who I am

Memories are what happen while life is lived.

Cherish them, all of them.

They made me who I am

And I am indestructible.

© Dellajes Anilom 2017

How I Loathe Myself

howiloathemyself

 

How I Loathe Myself

The sound of the ping brightens my day

And how I hate that I smile thinking it’s you.

Only to see it isn’t.

There was some small witty banter

When we first started chatting

Now… silence.

The emptiness is almost immediate

Self-loathing is definite

Pain … inevitable.

Why do I do this to myself?

Why keep looking?

Love is not real.

The only real feelings in life

Is hate, pain, and sorrow.

Ping… is it you?

How I loathe myself.

© Dellajes Anilom 2017

Life – Pain and Joy and Fear

Pill 4:13

Pill 4:13

Life moves at various paces at different times.

I can remember certain events in my life that seemed to take forever. Felt as if time stood still. The feeling of hopelessness and despair were so alive in those times, I was sure I just wanted to close my eyes, slip into unconsciousness, and never wake up. It was those times, many as a child, a few during my early adult years, and seldom these days; that fear controlled me.

Fear.

It was always and is still always fear that brings the long, never-ending hours into my life. There were horrors in my life as a child, that no child should ever endure, though I know I’m not the only who has nor will I be the last.

In my early adult life, the horrors changed. It was not my life I feared for, but that of my child, and later on, my children. Before I had my first child, a daughter, I had two miscarriages.

Pregnancy. For me, it was a time of constant pain. From the time of conception, I was in pain, feeling my insides getting stretched and pulled. The pain so intense, I would double over unable to move. The first time I felt this, I was scared. I had been feeling strange for a couple of days, and for some reason, I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Imagine my shock when it was positive. I was so happy and scared and confused.

Confused because I was in so much pain. I had always heard how being pregnant was this wonderful thing. This pain I was feeling, was NOT wonderful. Aside from the pain, I really was happy. I told my boyfriend and we told my parents and we were all so happy. My mother had started looking at baby clothes. It was such a joyous time, they were going to finally be grandparents and I was going to a mother.

Unfortunately, it was a short lived happiness. A week later, I had a miscarriage. The feeling of losing a baby is unlike anything I can express. It was strange because I couldn’t really mourn. How do I? There was no body. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. It was almost like a sick joke. But, life being what it is, it went on.

A couple of months go by and I have those same pains again. I remember walking into my aunt’s apartment and reaching the door when the pain was so intense, I had to hold on to the door frame. I knew, right then and there, I was pregnant.

Fear.

My first response was just fear. I took a test in the morning, and sure enough, it was positive. That afternoon, I told my boyfriend. That evening… It started again. I was bleeding. Memories of sitting in the waiting room in pain are still vivid. Waiting for them to call me into the examination room, and then I told him to call my folks.

That pain.

The pain was unlike anything I had felt before. I had to pee so I went into the restroom and had a feeling like a large blood clot (women, you know what I mean). When I looked in the toilet, there was a clot but something more. Once the doctor came in, I told her of the incident in the restroom. The look on her face said it all.

Tears began to stream down my face. Lying on the examination table, in pain with my mother at my side, time stood still. The doctor was talking, my mother was talking, and all I could hear was the sounds the teachers made in the Peanuts cartoons. Vaguely I heard the doctor say, I was going to be admitted and have a D&C performed.

Waking up from the procedure, I remember seeing my boyfriend sitting in a chair next to the bed. He hadn’t gone home. His clothes were rumpled and his face was filled with worry. Knowing the night was going to be a long one for him, I told him to go home and come back in the morning. He refused. It was so touching, I just cried some more.

Falling asleep, I had no idea this would be the turning point in our relationship. The loss of not only one unborn child, but two, was too much. Life became too much for me. What was it all for if just to have such unbearable pain, and have no child to show for it?

Despair.

Life was worthless. I would spend any time I had alone thinking of how I didn’t want to be alive. Thoughts of how to end my life began to formulate in my mind. My mother knew what I felt. She was smart enough to know that I could not be left alone for any long periods. She called a friend of mine to come spend the day with me; a friend that was and is unlike any other. She was working when my mother called her, but she rushed to my side anyway. She arrived with here then “friend” now husband, and spent the entire day with me, making me laugh and reminding me of what life was like. Life was about pain and suffering, and loving and caring, and about living; living after that pain and suffering, and looking forward again to the loving and caring. I owe her and my mother my life.

My boyfriend and I didn’t stay together long after that. He changed. I suppose I did too, but he turned to drinking and was not a good drunk. He actually moved to another state, where we tried to keep a long distance relationship going, but we both knew it was for the best. I ended up dating a friend I had known for a few years.

Life is funny. My friend was always waiting, but once he and I got together, he changed too. I’m a sucker for someone to treat me like garbage. (But that story is for another blog.) We had started talking of marriage when I found out I was pregnant.

FEAR

Pregnant. Again. The fear of another miscarriage came rushing back to me with a force like I had never known. This time, I wasn’t taking any chances. I made a doctor’s appointment the next day. And let me tell you, that visit changed my life.

Nerves were wearing me thin, but I made it to the doctor’s appointment. After all the paper work, he called me into his office to have a face to face talk. It was nice to meet him in that atmosphere, instead of him between my legs first. Being a girl sucks a lot of the time, and that is one of the reasons. Once he learned of my two previous miscarriages, he ran some test and scheduled a vaginal ultrasound. Not fun. He ordered some prenatal vitamins and for me to take one baby aspirin a day.

It was that one baby aspirin a day that actually changed my life. Taking that aspirin thinned my blood, and apparently my blood clotting was what was causing me to have the miscarriages. The way it was explained to me, I was starving my baby. I was sad to hear that my body had actually done that, but so excited to know that I could carry a baby to full term!

Of course, I was stilled scared. I wouldn’t allow anyone to buy anything for the baby, because of bad luck. My body was doing such crazy things. I couldn’t keep anything down, and instead of gaining weight I lost over 30 lbs. I was very scared I was still going to loss this baby. Needless to say, at six months, which was Christmas, everyone went crazy. Every single gift was for the baby. We didn’t know the baby’s gender yet, but we were hoping for a girl.

Then in the first weeks of March, a horrible cold/flu virus hit the town. Everyone we know sick. My mother’s boss had planned a baby shower for me, and because of the virus, no one was able to attend. The weather had been hazy and misty and cold. Personally, I like that weather, but when you are pregnant and people are sick, I should have been home. Needless to say, I got sick and couldn’t eat anything.

With a high fever of 102 I believe, her heart rate going down, the doctors made the decision… She needed to come out and now!

The delivery was insane, and the aftermath as well, but again, it’s a long story I will share soon. Let’s just say, there was much pain and suffering. So much pain.

Non-sense

Non-sense…

Is it just me or is there an abundance of it? Not only online, but in the people I come face to face with everyday.

Some people don’t know when to keep their mouths shut. How is it anyone’s business what another person is doing? If that other person has nothing to do with the busy-body? It amazes me.

This is exactly how rumors get started. UGH

Made me think of an old song from when I was young.

Rumors by Timex Social Club

Rumors   Lyrics provided by Songlyrics

How do rumors get started
They’re started by the jealous people
And they get mad seeing something
They had and somebody else is holding

They tell me that temptation is very hard to resist
But these wicked women, ooh, they just persist
Maybe you think it’s cute, but girl
I’m not impressed, I’ll tell you one time only
With my business please, don’t mess

When you look at all these rumors surrounding
Me every day I just need some time, some time
To get away from from all these rumors
I can’t take it no more, my best friend said
There’s one out now about me and the girl next door

Did you hear the one about Tina
Some say she’s much too loose
That came straight from a guy who claims
He’s tasted her juice, did you hear the one about Michael?
Some say he must be gay I tried to argue

But they said if he was straight
He wouldn’t move that way
Did you hear that one about Susan?
Some say she’s just a tease in a camisole
She’s six feet tall, she’ll knock you to your knees

When you look at all these rumors surrounding
Me every day I just need some time, some time
To get away from from all these rumors
I can’t take it no more, my best friend said
There’s one out now about me and the girl next door

I can’t go no place without somebody
Pointing a finger I can’t show my face
â€~Cause when it comes to rumors I’m a dead ringer
It seems from rumors I just can’t get away

I’ll bet there’ll even be rumors floating around on
Judgment Day I’ll think I’ll write my congressman
And tell him to pass a bill, so the next time they catch
Somebody starting rumors, shoot to kill

When you look at all these rumors surrounding
Me every day I just need some time, some time
To get away from from all these rumors
I can’t take it no more, my best friend said
There’s one out now about me and the girl next door

What’s mine is mine, I ain’t got time for rumors
In my life I’m a man who thinks, not a man who drinks
So please let me live my life, what’s mine is mine
I ain’t got time for rumors in my life

Look at all these rumors
I’m a man who thinks, not a man who drinks
So please let me live my life what’s mine is mine
I ain’t got time for rumors in my life

Look at all these rumors
I’m a man who thinks, not a man who drinks
So please let me live my life

When you look at all these rumors surrounding
Me every day I just need some time, some time
To get away from from all these rumors
I can’t take it no more, my best friend said
There’s one out now about me and the girl next door

When you look at all these rumors surrounding
Me every day I just need some time, some time
To get away from from all these rumors
I can’t take it no more, my best friend said
There’s one out now about me and the girl next door

Stop, stop spreading those rumors around
Stop, stop spreading the lies
Stop, stop spreading those rumors around
Stop, stop spreading the lies

Stop, stop spreading those rumors around
Stop, stop spreading the lies
Stop, stop spreading those rumors around
Stop, stop spreading the lies

Stop, stop spreading those rumors
Around stop, stop spreading the lies

So much… So much… So much to do.

In the next few months, we will be quite busy here in the family.

We have a wedding in the middle of August, which just begun planning two weeks ago.

rings4

April 2015, will be the my niece’s Quineanera, of which she refuses to plan and make decisions on anything.

15 crown

My sister will be going off and getting married, probably next year some time. Which we will have to plan also.

September the kids go back to school, and my son will be celebrating a birthday.

red apple

 

October is Halloween, hmm… That should be pretty tame.

a2ba4f9f0f

November is Thanksgiving.

thanksgiving

December is Christmas.

January has New Years… Ugh… Most likely dateless. Okay, that will most likely be a good thing. 🙂

new year

February… Oh yes… Valentine’s Day. Yay (can you sense the sarcasm?)

March is my daughter’s birthday.

April is the niece’s Quinceanera.

15 crown

May is MY birthday… BIG IMPORTANT DAY. 😉

free-birthday-greeting-card-latest-16

June my D will be graduating from high school and the kids will be out for summer.

graduation2

July… Full on SUMMER and we have come full circle.

 

This song by Alabama pretty much sums it all!!!

I’m in a Hurry – in my case… I KNOW why. 🙂  Enjoy the song.

“I’m In A Hurry (And Don’t Know Why)” 
Lyrics provided by AZ Lyrics

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

Don’t know why
I have to drive so fast
My car has nothing to prove
It’s not new
But it’ll do 0 to 60 in 5.2.

Oh I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

Can’t be late
I leave plenty of time
Shaking hands with the clock
I can’t stop
I’m on a roll and I’m ready to rock.

Oh I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

I hear a voice
That say’s I’m running behind
I better pick up my pace
It’s a race
And there ain’t no room
For someone in second place.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.

I’m in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why…

CANCER SUCKS!!!

Just as the title states… CANCER SUCKS!!

I am sure everyone knows or has known someone surviving cancer or who has passed on from cancer.

I have lost my grandfather. My grandmother has lost her left breast. My aunt lost her life as well to cancer. My mother had kidney cancer but by the Grace of God, has survived through it.

Through it.

I have loved them all through it. And just now I find out that I have an uncle who will be dying from cancer. Stage 4. No operation. Nothing can be done.

His wife and children will love him through it, just as we will all be here for him through it.

I’m Gonna Love You Through It  is a song by Martina McBride. I hope you love those around you NOW. Hug them. Kiss them. TELL them you love them. You never know when tomorrow will not be there.

 

“I’m Gonna Love You Through It”
AZ Lyrics

She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Cancer don’t discriminate or care if you’re just 38
With three kids who need you in their lives
He said, “I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you”When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it’s forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore”
He took her in his arms and said “That’s what my love is for”

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I’ll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

Never Enough

I’m posting from my cell and haven’t mastered the art of songs on here yet.

It’s just a venting post! !

Five Finger Death Punch – Never Enough:

“Never Enough”

I’m so fed up with everyone around me
No one seems to care
I’m just so far gone and nothing’s gonna change
I’ll never be the same
It’s always do this, do that, everything they want to
I don’t wanna live that way (No!)
Every chance they get they’re always pushing me away

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

It’s all so messed up and no one ever listens
Everyone’s deranged
I’m just so fucked up and I’m never gonna change
I wanna lay it all to waste
They’re always say this, say that, nothing that you want to
I don’t wanna live that way (No!)
Every chance they get they’re always shoving me aside

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be
I’M DONE!

In the end we’re all just chalk lines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I’ve been given
I am what I am

I’d rather hate you for everything you are
Than ever love you for something you are not
I’d rather you hate me for everything I am
Than have you love me for something that I can’t

It’s never enough, it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter who I try to be
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter how I try to change
It’s never enough, never never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be