31 Days

Sigh

Today marks 31 days.

Thirty-one days since my world has been turned upside down.

Thirty-one days without the person that made sure I was grounded and always looked on the bright side (except when she was expecting he worse case scenario).

One month.

One whole month… seems like forever.

I have gone through so many emotions when it comes to these last few weeks. Anger is the one that stands out most, but I do try to stay away from it. Mostly, I’m just lost. How am I expected to continue as if nothing has changed? Why do people ask such ridiculous questions? One person actually told me, “It won’t be long before everything will be back to normal.”

Normal?

NORMAL?!?!?!?!?!

It will never be normal again. EVER. She is gone and I can’t just look over and see her. I can’t ask her how to cook a certain dish. Her laughter is gone from the house. There is no one to tell me to do certain things. She is gone. Gone.

Normal.

Thirty-one days and I still feel like it just happened. I relive that last day with her. See her and hear her labored breathing. She is not hurting any more. She is in a better place… But…

I MISS YOU MOMMY!!!!

I opened a bag the other day and it smelled like her. After taking a long whiff, I quickly closed it back up to keep the scent from escaping. I don’t want to lose her. I know I haven’t lost her. She is in my heart and around the house. I can hear her voice in my head at times. Especially when I’ve been saying too much.

I try to keep my faith. I do love and believe in God. I just wish I could have had her around for a while more. She was so young, only 63 and cancer had to take her. The one consolation is she is no longer in any kind of pain. She hated having to rely on us to care for her and she was in pain.

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!!

Although I miss you, I know you are in a better place and I know I will see you soon.

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Breathe

That is what I keep telling myself.

Breathe.

After a day where all she wants to do is sleep, but if I leave the room she almost panics… Breathe.

After she snaps at me, because she is upset when she can’t do thing like before… Breathe.

When she cries, because she feels like she is a burden on us… Breathe.

When she sleeps, and her breathing is ragged because it has attacked her lungs… Breathe.

When she is gone to one of her many doctor appointments, and I’m left alone to think of what she is going through… Breathe.

When my daughter crawls into bed with me at night crying, because she is afraid of losing her… Breathe.

Breathe.

When I’m overwhelmed by everything and everyone.

Breathe.

When the bills keep coming.

Breathe.

When the calls are always coming.

Breathe.

When the question is always the same.

Breathe.

When all I want to do is scream and pull out my hair…

Breathe.

When the fear of what life without her will be…

Breathe.

When life keeps moving as if nothing is wrong with her…

Breathe.

When I feel like my world is crashing down around me…

Breathe.

When I feel I can’t catch my breath…

Breathe…

Breathe…

BREATHE

Crazy days…

“I know I’ve not posted in a long while, but I suppose it is time for an update.

 

On the quiceanera front, my niece’s event will be held in April. We have been truly blessed to have found a woman who will not only do all the decorating, but will also cater, serve, made a cake, found a reasonably priced DJ, and will also do clean up. So all the stress of a few months ago, was all taken away with just one simple phone call and it was done. I may use her for my daughter’s in a couple of years.

My sister’s wedding is going to be next year. Yay! I’m excited about it but sad at the same time. She won’t be around here as much as she is now. Of course, I have a year and a half to not think about it… Or to just think about it. I wonder which one will win out.

My children are growing like weeds and I am sure they will soon outgrow me. I am surprised at the wit my children have and also how quickly I am losing my own sanity at times when I am around them.”

 

Well, all that has happened and so much more…

Been busy again… dealing with life as some of you may have read already. Mom has cancer again. I’m not sure if I can deal with things again, but I know I will HAVE to. She is my mother and I love her so much. I’m not sure I ever believed anything bad could happen to her. She is mom. Ever present. Ever loving. Ever mom!

How can I help her when I am struggling?