Fifteenth

Today is a difficult day. Sadly, it is the anniversary of my grandfather’s going home. It has been seven years since I’ve last held his hand, heard his voice, or talked to him. I have been blessed to have hugged him in a dream.

It was amazing how I could give him a hug and smell his hair tonic. Thinking of it now, I can smell it again. As much as I miss him, I know he is waiting for me. Waiting for my mom, whom I afraid will be joining him soon.

Getting things together, I realized I am not doing a good a job as I can be. I’m ignoring important things and I know it’s bad, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything about it. The strength needed to care is just not there, or here, or anywhere.

I have people in my life, friends, that say they will be there for me. They have their own lives to lead, and I don’t expect them to be at my beck and call when I need them. Of course, I will not tell anyone straight out that I need them. Mentioning I have some bad days, and that I am okay is about as detailed as it gets for sharing. I’m not sure if those friends truly want to help or if they feel “obligated” to do so.

“Obligated” is a big word in our family. It is used in a very important way in the movie Jungle 2 Jungle, with Tim Allen. In life, there are obligations, but I do not want to be someone’s “obligation”.

There is a song I like to hear that makes me think of my grandfather and I know it will make me think mom once she is gone. I don’t want her to go home. I want her here. That sounded like a child.

The song…Dancing in the Sky by Dani and Lizzy

 

I know the lyrics are on the video… but I like to look at them as well…

Dancing in the Sky – Lyrics found on Lyrics Freak

[Verse 1]
Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
left
And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness

[Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived

[Verse 2]
Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
left
And here on earth everything different, there’s an emptiness.

[Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived
Since you’ve arrive

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*Sigh*

Psalm23

The Lord is my shepherd…

February 15, 2014

Sigh

What a long day. It was especially difficult on my mother. Today marks the third year anniversary since my grandfather has gone home; the day after my grandmother’s, his wife’s, birthday.

I think back on how I saw him. My impression of my grandfather is one of awe. Ever since I can remember, he has looked the same.

Gray hair covered with a cowboy hat.

Always with a mustache and a smile.

Callous hands from years of hard work, yet were able to pick wild flowers for me from the side of the road.

It was not until after his leaving us, did I see pictures of when he was a child. He was a handsome boy. Later he turned into a handsome man. It was like I got to know him anew, as a person, not just a grandfather.

There was a great comfort to our family learning he had been saved just a short time before. He was a strong man and knew he did not want to go in a hospital or a nursing home. It seemed to happen so quickly, a matter of a few months. We had a Christmas like we did when I was young. Every aunt, uncle, cousin, sister, brother, and relative was there for a Christmas we would all remember.

He and my grandmother moved in with one of their daughters. There Hospice would help and keep track of his health.

It was a difficult time for our entire family. Grandpa was the rock on which our family stood on. As time grew closer, we each got to spend alone time with him. I would read from the Bible to him, I always started with Psalms 23.

One of my uncles, the youngest of the boys, wrote a poem. It was such a moving and loving poem, it brought everyone to tears. I would share the poem here, but it is not mine to do so.

For a brief moment in time, our family was whole again. I hate that it took such a tragedy to bring us together.

My father got his wish. He was not in a hospital. He was not in a nursing home. He was with his family. We all gathered around him as he took his last breath. I am grateful I was able to remember our last words to each other. “I love you.” I will always remember how he called my son, “Pardner”.

We, as a family, have fallen apart. Without our rock, we are drowning. Perhaps this year will be different. Perhaps this year, our family can remember we are not without a foundation.

I am not without my grandfather. Often he will appear in my dreams and I hug him so tight, it is amazing. He is still with me, with all of us. Sometimes, I still smell his hair gel and I smile knowing I will see him again.

I miss you Wello.

~Eliza

Just an added note, I thought I’d add Psalm 23. It is one of my favorites.

Psalm 23

King James Version (KJV)

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever