31 Days

Sigh

Today marks 31 days.

Thirty-one days since my world has been turned upside down.

Thirty-one days without the person that made sure I was grounded and always looked on the bright side (except when she was expecting he worse case scenario).

One month.

One whole month… seems like forever.

I have gone through so many emotions when it comes to these last few weeks. Anger is the one that stands out most, but I do try to stay away from it. Mostly, I’m just lost. How am I expected to continue as if nothing has changed? Why do people ask such ridiculous questions? One person actually told me, “It won’t be long before everything will be back to normal.”

Normal?

NORMAL?!?!?!?!?!

It will never be normal again. EVER. She is gone and I can’t just look over and see her. I can’t ask her how to cook a certain dish. Her laughter is gone from the house. There is no one to tell me to do certain things. She is gone. Gone.

Normal.

Thirty-one days and I still feel like it just happened. I relive that last day with her. See her and hear her labored breathing. She is not hurting any more. She is in a better place… But…

I MISS YOU MOMMY!!!!

I opened a bag the other day and it smelled like her. After taking a long whiff, I quickly closed it back up to keep the scent from escaping. I don’t want to lose her. I know I haven’t lost her. She is in my heart and around the house. I can hear her voice in my head at times. Especially when I’ve been saying too much.

I try to keep my faith. I do love and believe in God. I just wish I could have had her around for a while more. She was so young, only 63 and cancer had to take her. The one consolation is she is no longer in any kind of pain. She hated having to rely on us to care for her and she was in pain.

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!!

Although I miss you, I know you are in a better place and I know I will see you soon.

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Breathe

That is what I keep telling myself.

Breathe.

After a day where all she wants to do is sleep, but if I leave the room she almost panics… Breathe.

After she snaps at me, because she is upset when she can’t do thing like before… Breathe.

When she cries, because she feels like she is a burden on us… Breathe.

When she sleeps, and her breathing is ragged because it has attacked her lungs… Breathe.

When she is gone to one of her many doctor appointments, and I’m left alone to think of what she is going through… Breathe.

When my daughter crawls into bed with me at night crying, because she is afraid of losing her… Breathe.

Breathe.

When I’m overwhelmed by everything and everyone.

Breathe.

When the bills keep coming.

Breathe.

When the calls are always coming.

Breathe.

When the question is always the same.

Breathe.

When all I want to do is scream and pull out my hair…

Breathe.

When the fear of what life without her will be…

Breathe.

When life keeps moving as if nothing is wrong with her…

Breathe.

When I feel like my world is crashing down around me…

Breathe.

When I feel I can’t catch my breath…

Breathe…

Breathe…

BREATHE

Crazy days…

“I know I’ve not posted in a long while, but I suppose it is time for an update.

 

On the quiceanera front, my niece’s event will be held in April. We have been truly blessed to have found a woman who will not only do all the decorating, but will also cater, serve, made a cake, found a reasonably priced DJ, and will also do clean up. So all the stress of a few months ago, was all taken away with just one simple phone call and it was done. I may use her for my daughter’s in a couple of years.

My sister’s wedding is going to be next year. Yay! I’m excited about it but sad at the same time. She won’t be around here as much as she is now. Of course, I have a year and a half to not think about it… Or to just think about it. I wonder which one will win out.

My children are growing like weeds and I am sure they will soon outgrow me. I am surprised at the wit my children have and also how quickly I am losing my own sanity at times when I am around them.”

 

Well, all that has happened and so much more…

Been busy again… dealing with life as some of you may have read already. Mom has cancer again. I’m not sure if I can deal with things again, but I know I will HAVE to. She is my mother and I love her so much. I’m not sure I ever believed anything bad could happen to her. She is mom. Ever present. Ever loving. Ever mom!

How can I help her when I am struggling?

Fifteenth

Today is a difficult day. Sadly, it is the anniversary of my grandfather’s going home. It has been seven years since I’ve last held his hand, heard his voice, or talked to him. I have been blessed to have hugged him in a dream.

It was amazing how I could give him a hug and smell his hair tonic. Thinking of it now, I can smell it again. As much as I miss him, I know he is waiting for me. Waiting for my mom, whom I afraid will be joining him soon.

Getting things together, I realized I am not doing a good a job as I can be. I’m ignoring important things and I know it’s bad, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything about it. The strength needed to care is just not there, or here, or anywhere.

I have people in my life, friends, that say they will be there for me. They have their own lives to lead, and I don’t expect them to be at my beck and call when I need them. Of course, I will not tell anyone straight out that I need them. Mentioning I have some bad days, and that I am okay is about as detailed as it gets for sharing. I’m not sure if those friends truly want to help or if they feel “obligated” to do so.

“Obligated” is a big word in our family. It is used in a very important way in the movie Jungle 2 Jungle, with Tim Allen. In life, there are obligations, but I do not want to be someone’s “obligation”.

There is a song I like to hear that makes me think of my grandfather and I know it will make me think mom once she is gone. I don’t want her to go home. I want her here. That sounded like a child.

The song…Dancing in the Sky by Dani and Lizzy

 

I know the lyrics are on the video… but I like to look at them as well…

Dancing in the Sky – Lyrics found on Lyrics Freak

[Verse 1]
Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
left
And here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness

[Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived

[Verse 2]
Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?

[Pre-Chorus]
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you
left
And here on earth everything different, there’s an emptiness.

[Chorus]
Oh-oh-oh I, I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived
I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angels’ choir
And I hope the angels know what they have
I bet it’s so nice up in heaven since you’ve arrived
Since you’ve arrive

Life Memories

lifememories

 

Life Memories

Sitting here thinking

Listening to various songs

Visions flash before me

Eyes

A smile

There is a vague scent in the air

Laughter can be heard off in the distance

Is it real or in my mind?

Memories continue

Some good

Some bad

Time drifts away

I think on those memories

Some I wish I didn’t have

Others I wish I could live again

They are all part of who I am

Memories are what happen while life is lived.

Cherish them, all of them.

They made me who I am

And I am indestructible.

© Dellajes Anilom 2017

How I Loathe Myself

howiloathemyself

 

How I Loathe Myself

The sound of the ping brightens my day

And how I hate that I smile thinking it’s you.

Only to see it isn’t.

There was some small witty banter

When we first started chatting

Now… silence.

The emptiness is almost immediate

Self-loathing is definite

Pain … inevitable.

Why do I do this to myself?

Why keep looking?

Love is not real.

The only real feelings in life

Is hate, pain, and sorrow.

Ping… is it you?

How I loathe myself.

© Dellajes Anilom 2017

Life… Too Real

Well, it certainly has been a long time since I’ve posted anything. So much has happened. I thought it had been longer than I thought, I believe my last post was September 2016. Not too bad, I suppose.

I know I had planned on writing about my niece’s quinceneara, but that has come and gone. And trust me, it was not at all what we expected. She looked beautiful and that what she wanted.

Next was my daughter’s quince, scheduled for March 18 of this year. If you are observant, you noticed I referred to it in a past tense. Yup, it has unfortunately been postponed… maybe cancelled completely. We don’t really now right now.

As I write this, I am torn between anger, fear, anguish, and a plethora of other emotions.

Cancer.

CANCER!!

Cancer, has showed its ugly head in our lives once again. I have written about cancer before, HERE and I am here to share and talk and really… Just vent and rant about my emotions. Here is the only place I can.

It has come back in my mother’s body. This time… her brain. . . It has been some journey so far…

 

For a while, mom had been complaining of headaches. As is our custom, we attributed it allergies or blood pressure. Nothing was helping with the headaches. She would try take some Tylenol, or aspirin but nothing really helped. She would try to sleep it off, but again, with not much success. This had been going on for awhile until one day…

My sister had a doctors appointment to have a pregnancy check up. Mom went with her, dealing with her head pain on the 45 minute trip there, the appointment, and the 45 minute trip back. Once she got to my sister’s house, she had to rest. Once my father got there to pick her up, her head hurt so badly she was in tears. Telling my father that the pressure and pain behind her right eye felt as though it would burst out of her head.

He drives her to the ER, 45 miles away, and when he gets there and she gets off the truck, she almost collapses. Of course they took her in right away, and then it is hurry up and wait for test and their results. She has bleeding in the brain and needs surgery immediately!

What?!?!?! I remember crying when dad got off the phone with me. I remember trying to figure what to do. My kids were in school. My sister, who was due any day, and her husband were waiting to see what was going to happen. Waiting because they had to move her from the hospital she was at to one that could do the surgery. That was either San Antonio, and hour plus away from us, or Houston which is four hours plus away. Also, we didn’t know if dad would be allowed to travel with her wherever she was moved. Waiting was torture!

Finally we know the particulars, dad was able to go and someone had to pick up his truck. My chest hurts now as I remember those moments. Dad trying to be strong and holding in all his emotions. I hated him having to go through what he did all alone. My brother and his wife, took my daughter and I to seem them that evening. My son stayed at my aunt’s house while we found out what was going on.

ICU

She was in ICU when they brought her to the hospital in San Antonio. They performed more tests. We stayed late waiting to see what was going to happen. My poor brother was so sick. He had a bad cold or flu, not sure but he was very sick. In the ICU waiting room, there are no hours. So at around three in the morning, we finally try to find some place to sleep. Let me tell you, trying to find a place at that hours SUCKS! We wanted to be close, and ended up in the worst place! Hard to sleep, but some how we did and were up and out by seven am!!

Back at the hospital, it is more waiting. Talking to my sister on the phone off and on. She ends up going into labor! This really upsets mom and upsets my sister as well. They both want to be there for other. Life has a way of doing what it wants.

As I write this, it’s almost a blur. I know we come home and plan on staying, but an aunt says she will be going back to stay the night the night before her surgery and my children and I go along. The next morning was scary.

She was scheduled for seven and we figured we would be there with plenty of time since we spent the night so close. Plans have a way of changing or at least not going as planned. We got there just in time to rush to her room, kiss her, tell her we loved her, and see her wheeled off for surgery.

Brain Surgery.

I was so scared. My kids didn’t understand what was going on really, but knew the surgery was important. I remember looking around at my mother’s sisters and brothers, their spouses, their kids, and wondering… why? My daughter slept most of the time while my son played on his phone; both not knowing how serious the situation truly was.

My sister was unable to go because she had her baby the night before. A beautiful baby girl, MiCorazon! Mom was happy she did get to see a pic of her right after she was born! My father was lost in his own world of introversion. My kids were in their own worlds. I needed comfort or peace or someone to talk to me. My aunts talked and my cousins talked, but it seemed like a lot was within themselves. I guess it hard to know what to say to someone whose mother’s is have brain surgery. Trying to be civil was difficult at times, but I know my family was there for support.

When my brother and his wife arrived, I felt almost whole again. She helped me when I was on the edge and didn’t even know it completely until she got there. The doctor came out to talk to us, but dad was close to the door and so he talked to him. I heard very little of what was said, and before I knew it, they were on their way down the hall! Because I was in a wheelchair, I could not just whip around and follow. But my sister-in-law being the great woman she is, was trying to help me as fast as we could. It was almost hilarious if not for the need to move. It was like a skit from SNL, I was trying to unlock one side and her the other. I think as one point, we undid what the other had did. I was a good 10 seconds before we were mobile. I had a new respect and love for my sister-in-law after this period of time.

ICU

Again.

We are only allowed two people at a time. Most times we listened. She came out perfect! It wasn’t long before she was sitting in a chair, which shocked her doctors. I mean… BRAIN surgery!!! She was great until the pain killers wore off. Mom was doing great. We headed back home after and waited. Waiting is a hard thing to do, when all you want is answers. Life is like that. . . Making you wait.

Once home, we tried to get things ready for when she arrived. Rearranging things. Deep cleaning. Just doing and moving and going. That was until I fell. Find out she is coming home and I fell hard that morning. I wanted to cry, but my kids were almost freaking out.

Mom was home Sunday night. She went to the ER late Monday afternoon. It was just seven days, start to finish. Well, almost. It was hurry up and wait again for the results of the mass they removed from her brain, which was approximately the size of a baseball. Yup, a baseball. Can you imagine, a baseball in your brain and then having it removed?! Scary.

Waiting for the results was almost as hard as hearing the results.

Metastatic Renal Cell Carcinoma… Stage IV… no cure.

NO CURE

Renal Cell Carcinoma (RCC) is a common form of kidney cancer, which is what mom had six years ago. We were told they had got it all. Well, they didn’t. It is now in her brain, in her adrenal glands, and in her lungs.

She has finished her radiation treatment which scared the hell out of her. Why? Because in radiation they pin point the radiation to the cancer and you cannot move. Her’s was in the brain so she had to have her head encased and imprisoned so she would not move at all. That is a tall order for someone who is claustrophobic. But she did, and she isn’t afraid of tight spaces anymore.

ICU again.

Then a short time after radiation, she was bleeding in her brain again! Again, she is ICU! The doctors seem to believe she was over doing herself. Doing too much too soon. Mom is such an independent that getting her to realize her limits is hard.

She has another CT scan scheduled for next week and then she will begin Chemo. . . pills. She has already lost some hair from the radiation we believe. Her sight is bad. Her taste has caused her to dislike almost everything. Yet, she is able to walk. She has her memory, for the most part… she knows who we all are. She is functional.

We are very blessed. I pray for her everyday. Every night. I cry almost every day. At times it seems unreal about what all is happening. I believe I have faith that mom will be fine. That my children will have their grandmother for a long time, like I’ve had mine. My father’s mother pasted away when I was 30, and my mother’s mother is still kicking and being a lively soul.

But there is no question, my mother is going to die. Everything the doctors are doing are to help with pain and stunt the growth of the cancer.

My mother is dying. Everyday is one day closer. I typed those words and I think, so am I.

I could get hit by a car or have a heart attack or just slip and fall and hit my head. One never truly knows when they will pass on. I have my faith that has kept me sane during this. Our Pastor and his wife and our congregation have been amazing! Yet somehow, I keep thinking that I’m waiting. Waiting for the real anger to come out. For my anger at God will come out and I’ll start to scream at Him. Making deals with Him. Daring Him to keep her alive. To let her see her great-grandchildren.

What am I going to do when she goes? What is my father going to do? How will he act? How will my children deal with losing their only grandmother?

I keep trying to stay calm for my father and my children. At times I get down, but know I can’t do that. Mom has been feeling depressed and I have to be strong for her. Show her we can deal with whatever happens and whatever doesn’t happen.

Cancer sucks. No denying that. I keep telling myself she is her now and don’t think about the other stuff. Then I start to think, but I have to prepare for things.

She tells me the other day she wants to go the funeral home to make arrangements. Father was not happy about that, but it is something that has to be done, and I do want her to have what she wants.

Can I deal with planning a funeral for my mom? And do it with my mom? God please help me!

Wine helps. . . But that’s another post.

Sorry for the post, but I had to get out and if I stopped, I don’t know if I would have been able to start up again.

I leave you with this… tell your loved ones you love them, every day. Don’t let the last words you told someone be something out of anger. Always tell them you love them. ALWAYS! You have a fight with someone… a door is slammed… someone is walking way… stop. . . turn around and tell them… I LOVE YOU!!! You can keep walking away, or them, just know that the last words were… I LOVE YOU… can’t have I hate you… be the last thing if there is an accident and those WERE the last words.

Love one another.

Love family.

Love yourself.

Respect each other.

God above all.