How I Loathe Myself

howiloathemyself

 

How I Loathe Myself

The sound of the ping brightens my day

And how I hate that I smile thinking it’s you.

Only to see it isn’t.

There was some small witty banter

When we first started chatting

Now… silence.

The emptiness is almost immediate

Self-loathing is definite

Pain … inevitable.

Why do I do this to myself?

Why keep looking?

Love is not real.

The only real feelings in life

Is hate, pain, and sorrow.

Ping… is it you?

How I loathe myself.

© Dellajes Anilom 2017

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No Time For Games

My heart is not a playground, go play somewhere else.

My heart is not a playground, go play somewhere else.

 

What do you do when you want to be loved? When the feeling of being lonely is too much to bear for yet another day. It is during this time when a person is no longer looking for the right person to come into their lives, but any person to come into their lives. This is called… desperation.

Desperation can lead to the worse relationships and some bad heartache. When you open yourself up to love, for some it is whole hearted. Of course, there those who playing with other’s emotions is what makes their day.

I am hurting today. Why, because I chose to think I was feeling something for someone who clearly was not serious about me. This game of peek-a-boo is just that… a game. I am no spring chicken; I am a grown woman and have no time for games of the heart. My heart has been hurt too many times in the past to deal with someone who just wants to play games.

Like the photo about says…

My heart is not a playground, go play somewhere else!!

~Neb

Life – Pain and Joy and Fear

Pill 4:13

Pill 4:13

Life moves at various paces at different times.

I can remember certain events in my life that seemed to take forever. Felt as if time stood still. The feeling of hopelessness and despair were so alive in those times, I was sure I just wanted to close my eyes, slip into unconsciousness, and never wake up. It was those times, many as a child, a few during my early adult years, and seldom these days; that fear controlled me.

Fear.

It was always and is still always fear that brings the long, never-ending hours into my life. There were horrors in my life as a child, that no child should ever endure, though I know I’m not the only who has nor will I be the last.

In my early adult life, the horrors changed. It was not my life I feared for, but that of my child, and later on, my children. Before I had my first child, a daughter, I had two miscarriages.

Pregnancy. For me, it was a time of constant pain. From the time of conception, I was in pain, feeling my insides getting stretched and pulled. The pain so intense, I would double over unable to move. The first time I felt this, I was scared. I had been feeling strange for a couple of days, and for some reason, I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Imagine my shock when it was positive. I was so happy and scared and confused.

Confused because I was in so much pain. I had always heard how being pregnant was this wonderful thing. This pain I was feeling, was NOT wonderful. Aside from the pain, I really was happy. I told my boyfriend and we told my parents and we were all so happy. My mother had started looking at baby clothes. It was such a joyous time, they were going to finally be grandparents and I was going to a mother.

Unfortunately, it was a short lived happiness. A week later, I had a miscarriage. The feeling of losing a baby is unlike anything I can express. It was strange because I couldn’t really mourn. How do I? There was no body. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. It was almost like a sick joke. But, life being what it is, it went on.

A couple of months go by and I have those same pains again. I remember walking into my aunt’s apartment and reaching the door when the pain was so intense, I had to hold on to the door frame. I knew, right then and there, I was pregnant.

Fear.

My first response was just fear. I took a test in the morning, and sure enough, it was positive. That afternoon, I told my boyfriend. That evening… It started again. I was bleeding. Memories of sitting in the waiting room in pain are still vivid. Waiting for them to call me into the examination room, and then I told him to call my folks.

That pain.

The pain was unlike anything I had felt before. I had to pee so I went into the restroom and had a feeling like a large blood clot (women, you know what I mean). When I looked in the toilet, there was a clot but something more. Once the doctor came in, I told her of the incident in the restroom. The look on her face said it all.

Tears began to stream down my face. Lying on the examination table, in pain with my mother at my side, time stood still. The doctor was talking, my mother was talking, and all I could hear was the sounds the teachers made in the Peanuts cartoons. Vaguely I heard the doctor say, I was going to be admitted and have a D&C performed.

Waking up from the procedure, I remember seeing my boyfriend sitting in a chair next to the bed. He hadn’t gone home. His clothes were rumpled and his face was filled with worry. Knowing the night was going to be a long one for him, I told him to go home and come back in the morning. He refused. It was so touching, I just cried some more.

Falling asleep, I had no idea this would be the turning point in our relationship. The loss of not only one unborn child, but two, was too much. Life became too much for me. What was it all for if just to have such unbearable pain, and have no child to show for it?

Despair.

Life was worthless. I would spend any time I had alone thinking of how I didn’t want to be alive. Thoughts of how to end my life began to formulate in my mind. My mother knew what I felt. She was smart enough to know that I could not be left alone for any long periods. She called a friend of mine to come spend the day with me; a friend that was and is unlike any other. She was working when my mother called her, but she rushed to my side anyway. She arrived with here then “friend” now husband, and spent the entire day with me, making me laugh and reminding me of what life was like. Life was about pain and suffering, and loving and caring, and about living; living after that pain and suffering, and looking forward again to the loving and caring. I owe her and my mother my life.

My boyfriend and I didn’t stay together long after that. He changed. I suppose I did too, but he turned to drinking and was not a good drunk. He actually moved to another state, where we tried to keep a long distance relationship going, but we both knew it was for the best. I ended up dating a friend I had known for a few years.

Life is funny. My friend was always waiting, but once he and I got together, he changed too. I’m a sucker for someone to treat me like garbage. (But that story is for another blog.) We had started talking of marriage when I found out I was pregnant.

FEAR

Pregnant. Again. The fear of another miscarriage came rushing back to me with a force like I had never known. This time, I wasn’t taking any chances. I made a doctor’s appointment the next day. And let me tell you, that visit changed my life.

Nerves were wearing me thin, but I made it to the doctor’s appointment. After all the paper work, he called me into his office to have a face to face talk. It was nice to meet him in that atmosphere, instead of him between my legs first. Being a girl sucks a lot of the time, and that is one of the reasons. Once he learned of my two previous miscarriages, he ran some test and scheduled a vaginal ultrasound. Not fun. He ordered some prenatal vitamins and for me to take one baby aspirin a day.

It was that one baby aspirin a day that actually changed my life. Taking that aspirin thinned my blood, and apparently my blood clotting was what was causing me to have the miscarriages. The way it was explained to me, I was starving my baby. I was sad to hear that my body had actually done that, but so excited to know that I could carry a baby to full term!

Of course, I was stilled scared. I wouldn’t allow anyone to buy anything for the baby, because of bad luck. My body was doing such crazy things. I couldn’t keep anything down, and instead of gaining weight I lost over 30 lbs. I was very scared I was still going to loss this baby. Needless to say, at six months, which was Christmas, everyone went crazy. Every single gift was for the baby. We didn’t know the baby’s gender yet, but we were hoping for a girl.

Then in the first weeks of March, a horrible cold/flu virus hit the town. Everyone we know sick. My mother’s boss had planned a baby shower for me, and because of the virus, no one was able to attend. The weather had been hazy and misty and cold. Personally, I like that weather, but when you are pregnant and people are sick, I should have been home. Needless to say, I got sick and couldn’t eat anything.

With a high fever of 102 I believe, her heart rate going down, the doctors made the decision… She needed to come out and now!

The delivery was insane, and the aftermath as well, but again, it’s a long story I will share soon. Let’s just say, there was much pain and suffering. So much pain.

Post Teaser

I started writing about the experiences I had to deal with as I was pregnant. Then I had to stop. It has been so long since I’ve thought about the pregnancies that I wanted to give the time they needed for me to process how I felt and still feel.

I have been pregnant four times. I’ve had two miscarriages and two live births, a beautiful girl and a wonderful boy. Life has been difficult at times, but it has also been very fulfilling.

Hopelessness, despair, and fear. As I started to write these stories down, I remembered other aspects. Some parts of the story that I had forgotten until I began to write them down.

Those stories will be forth coming, because I feel I do need to share them. Though certain people may need to read them, I doubt they will, but perhaps they can help someone reading my blog.

This one will be a shorty, but I wanted to post a teaser…

Confused because I was in so much pain. I had always heard how being pregnant was this wonderful thing. This pain I was feeling, was NOT wonderful. Aside from the pain, I really was happy. I told my boyfriend and we told my parents and we were all so happy. My mother had started looking at baby clothes. It was such a joyous time, they were going to finally be grandparents and I was going to a mother.

Unfortunately, it was a short lived happiness. A week later, I had a miscarriage. The feeling of losing a baby is unlike anything I can express. It was strange because I couldn’t really mourn. How do I? There was no body. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. It was almost like a sick joke. But, life being what it is, it went on.”

Whenever I think of my children, I think about a song that always reminds me of how I felt when I found out about them.

Creed – With Arms Wide Open

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don’t know if I’m ready
To be the man I have to be
I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we’ve created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything, oh yeah
With arms wide open, wide open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he’s not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I’ll show you everything, oh yeah
With arms wide open, wide open

Real Me

First Cover Design

First Cover Design

 

What is time?

What is a lie?

What are these emotions

That simply won’t die.

Physical pain

Runs through this body

Screaming…

Of unspoken agony.

The physical pain can be dealt with

It will fade or dull with time

It’s the pain within my being

That claims this ache of mine.

Blackness envelopes me

Attempting to drown who I am

Though I try reaching out

With both of my hands.

Reaching for what

I am not sure

The blackness is still here

Something I endure.

Perhaps this time will pass

Ending the oblivion

Should it not occur…

I shall continue to pretend.

©2013 Dellajes Anilom

Cover Design 2

Cover Design 2

Does Time

Does Time

Does Time

 

Does time heal?

Does it know how I feel?

Does it realize the hurt, the pain,

Of all the aches in my heart?

The pain from these months

That we have been apart.

Nights crying out for you,

Days not know what to do.

Longing to look,

Into your eyes,

Knowing the pain,

Can no longer be disguised.

The pain of losing you,

Has turned my world askew.

Does time truly heal

A heart that’s broken

Or does it merely leave

Words unspoken.

Does time heal?

Does it know… how I feel?

©2011 Dellajes Anilom

Done

Done Cover

Done

 

My heart aches to have the clouds hiding my moods

To have rain fall disguising my own tears

Feeling the cool wet drops fall from the sky

Softly kissing my cheeks and eyes as I cry

Time seems to be at a standstill

My heart lost to an ache that seems to never end

A loneliness that consumes my inner being

Searching for a life, that has some meaning

Sighing deeply, I close my eyes

Thinking of times that have past

Has my time of happiness come and gone

Without my knowledge that it is done

Should I surrender to the darkness?

Would I even be missed?

In the darkness of what is my life

I search for what I am longing for

I knew what it was, at one point in time

But now, it’s blurred by dirt and grime

As time continues to pass

The edges have begun to fade completely

Life is never ending regardless of the outcome

Perhaps, it has been all said… and done.

©2011 Dellajes Anilom